Zack, Coffee & Tattoo addict. Word vomit. Disney. Adventures. Sleeping.
I hate having dreams that cause so much emotion. It’s like you are certain it wasn’t real nor will come true, but in that moment while dreaming it seemed like reality. Moments they can be nice, but this one was a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
Roses are red
And true love is rare
Booty booty booty booty
You asked me why I seem to change anytime you call me beautiful. I believe I know why. We must have different definition of the word. Because I don’t see myself as beautiful. I don’t think it’s just appearance but reflects what is on the inside and who the person is. And I don’t see that. Personally, I haven’t liked myself for a while. A lot has Changed. And I’m just disappointed with whom I’m becoming. So you say beautiful and I know you mean it as a compliment but I scan my thoughts, and compare my life to others and see myself as a let down. Because I feel like I’m in the same spot I was in, in my senior year. With does depress me. I had plans. Not huge - but I had a desire, a dream. It’s still there but I’m not near close to achieving it. I’m trying to figure out what steps I need to take. How to refocus and tune in to details I might’ve missed at first. It’s hard. Others are getting and going past what I wanted and it looks so easy. I’m starting to “hear their thoughts” about myself and my life. Which I know it’s just my own insecurities but it still shakes me. I doubt everything and feel like a huge failure to myself. I get so hopefully then it falls down around me. I tell myself not to get my hopes up due to that, but I feel like if I don’t wish then I just lost right there. But is it even worth expecting something to go like I want? I feel like I just always make the wrong choices lately. I just want to like myself again, see my life changing for the better and know how I can help others instead of feeling like this all the time.
My birthday was alright. Nothing terrible happened but it just didn’t seem like a birthday. Slept in, but mom was watching Mary Lou (her sister who is mentally handicap) so that isn’t always the easiest or quietest thing to handle all the time. She was really good today, but never an average day. Drive by shooting on the road that curves into our rd, early this am. Heather came over from house sitting and took me to lunch. It’s nice but we never do that sort of thing. She also later bought me Starbucks and gave me $20. Received my card in the mail from grandma with $10 inside. Went to Starbucks with mom, heather after dropping off Marylou in thunderstorms.
Walked around target - hoped to see something so mom could get me a gift (clothing) but found nothing. Later just the parents and I went to dinner. That never happens but heather is babysitting and Trish is in GR. Zack wasn’t able to do anything today, Jennie is at work all day then had a date, and holly also at work but she is in a Jxn. So I didn’t have my whole family, no friends and Mary Lou was over so it was an odd day. Zack was going to call but parents wanted to play a game with me so we played Life.
Now I need sleep as I open tomorrow.
I’m laying here and just want to cry. I’m now 23. The last 5 years and barely anything has changed. Still only part time, no money saved up, still at home with no sight of moving out soon, Zack is still putting out apps trying to get a job but he lives in the middle of nowhere and his parents aren’t helping but holding him back…I think his mom dreads the day he leaves because of all his help with the kids. And I feel like I’m a let down to God…idk I guess I’m just not enjoying today because lately I haven’t enjoyed being me.
I’m thankful for my friends and family but it’s just something inside me that I keep beating myself up. I’m starting to compare my life to others which I hate. Like Jennie’s date went well now I’m all “she is moving out duper soon and she will end up marrying him before I marry Zack” which could happen but it will feel sucky at the sametime…because life hates me. Ha and nothing I do is helping. I try to give it to god but everything still falls apart and I don’t see how He is moving in my life. I just see myself getting even more poor and my life staying on pause.